D-Day Number 8!!!

So proud of myself! It is day 8 yup 8 and I am still dieting still sticking to it still keeping track of my points and still.... NOT CHEATING ON MY DIET... Its finally a monogamous relationship me and this diet before I was always sneaking crap food on the side hoping that lying to myself my diet would never know what I was up to. But I was feeling pretty guilty cheating on Sir Diet all the time and cheating myself into these fat pants and out of those cute skinny jeans so I finally said I am sorry chips, pop, and all other junk foods candy bars etc I cant see you anymore my health is to valuable to me and that I had a new love a love of grilled chicken breast fruits and whole grain foods that I had fell in love with sir diet and that euphoric high that I am getting seeing the numbers on the scale decrease. I figured it was for the best and that those un-healthy foods were just going to have to understand!!! Anyways I am truly proud of myself and in 8 days I have lost about 6 pounds its not ground breaking or anything but it is encouraging and its a great starting point I will get there I know I will!!!

D Day: # 1

So this is diet day number one! This is day number ONE of taking back my life. The first day of diets are always the easiest anyways. Its as you go on with the diet that it gets harder... But this time I am going to conquer food and win ONCE and FOR ALL. I am going to make my best effort to blog about this everyday of my diet until its done to keep me on track! I don't truly understand why I am so obsessive compulsive about food anyways!!! But this time its truly the end of my food obsession it is just food!

Ho hum I hate this

I don't want to be in this skin anymore. I hate looking at myself like this I hate being... F.. F..A.. F..A..T.. I can't take feeling like this about myself anymore. I am sooo tired of food controlling my life. I don't even understand it... Its more of a comfort thing than anything its ridiculous. Why should I let this control my life contradict who I am? I just want to lose weight and be thin again and have some self confidence have the confidence to be intimate with my husband again. I don't want to be XL anymore I don't want to have to shop in the big girl section anymore. I want to have energy again. I want to have my life back. I want to be me again. I am sooo frustrated by this. It plagues me day in and day out. Its pathetic that I buy new jeans and they don't even fit right. Why I am posting this here I do not know. I guess I am to lazy to write it in my journal how pathetic. Our society is plagued with beautiful skinny women and that is all I want to be is a beautiful skinny woman. Not an over weight house wife in a moo moo. This is the beginning of my trek my journey. I am not going to let food control me anymore its so ridiculous food is not that great and it isn't important enough to make me feel this way anymore. I want to be a size 9/10 again I don't want to be a 5'3" 197 size 16 wearing girl anymore... I want to be a 130 pound even 140 pounds would make me happy. This is going to be a ton of work but I have to do this for myself for my daughter and for my husband I can't be this unhealthy anymore I can't take it! I just want to feel good about myself again have a little confidence in what I wear. I hate hate hate the way I feel! This is the beginning of the end of fat pants skinny jeans and self confidence here I come!!!

Why I love...

I will be honest our marriage (relationship) has definitely had its fair share of rough spots. We have definitely both done our fair share of name calling and raising our voices at one another. We have even went as so far as shoving each other a couple times. At the beginning and end of everyday no matter what I know that we love each other. No marriage is perfect I don't care WHO you are and if your marriage is perfect there will come tough times its inevitable. That's why those pretty little vows say for better or worse... there are good times and there are tough times... My husband and I are high school sweethearts I am proud of that. We have been together for 3 years and have lived together for three years in December (will have been together for 4 years in January of 2010.) Our one year wedding anniversary is right around the corner in accordance to one of my friends status who is getting married the same day as Brett and I's first wedding anniversary 19 days. Unfortunately I will be unable to make it to her wedding Brett is the best man in another friends wedding that same day WOW lots of couples having anniversary's the same day as us. Its kind of cool and kind of a bummer as well because Brett and I wont be able to spend our FIRST anniversary together. Anyways back to no marriage is perfect. I guess that we do react in a bad way sometimes but we are doing a billion times better we have gotten a lotof issues worked out finally thank goodness. I guess the way that I react in difficult situations is because of seeing my parents fight anyways the past is the past. I love my husband I love our story it may not be a story for everyone but it was what worked for us we did EVERYTHING out of order lol and that is just essential US! We moved in together long before we got married and our daughter was born 2 months and one day after we got married! We met on the street in front of my house thanks to Brett's friend who is getting married the day of our first anniversary. How ironic lol. Anyways met on the street lol and been inseparable since many details in between that I think I will fill in later for my own benefit but my beautiful daughter just awoke from her nap so I need to tend to her. Just felt like writing today :).

First mommys day!

With mothers day approaching, and it being my first mothers day and all I feel like writing about being a mommy :). Being a mommy is the most difficult job that exists in the world period! Being a mother is also the most rewarding job in the world... Its so wonderful to watch your child grow and change. Seeing there new accomplishments, watching them discover new things each and everyday. The warmth that being a parent gives you is indescribable. The silly faces that make your insides melt while other people watching you laugh at this silly face your child is making thinking that you are probably off your rocker. My daughter who will be nine months on Tuesday took her first two steps yesterday and I have never been so proud in my life. When she cries from being in pain from teething I just want to cry with her. People tell you when your child is in pain you feel there pain too. Well when your not a parent you find that hard to understand. When you become a parent you get it. You don't literally "feel there pain" but you feel for them. No one ever wants to see there babies in pain! These same people also tell you that the first year just flies by and again before you are a parent you are like whatever, or even when you are a new parent and the nights are longer than you remember them being able to be you think this better fly by like they are saying, and then you retract your statement because you don't want to miss anything. But the months start passing like days and your baby is only three months shy of being a year old and you look back on the pictures and remember there sweet smell of when you brought them home or the first time you finally got to hold them in your arms in there sweet little pink blanket and absorbed every detail of there precious wrinkly face and held there little hands looked at there teeny fingers which had you wrapped around them immediately. Felt there baby soft skin and couldn't even imagine the day that they would begin to walk! How fragile they truly were in the beginning. How they couldn't even hold there little heads up on there own. All that they did was sleep and how everyone tells you "quit holding them so much your going to spoil them!" Hold them as much as possible because as soon as they are mobile they don't want to be held anymore and the only time you get to cuddle them is when they are sleeping or when they are tired. They suddenly become independent can do things on there own, no longer need you to hold there bottle. It all goes so fast it seems like just yesterday we were bringing our precious baby home. I can't believe the amount of memories only nine months of life can bring a parent. Who truly knew the joy a child could bring your life? You only know when you are finally holding your own flesh and blood in your arms for the first time, knowing the love that created such a beautiful being. Obviously there are some not so glamorous sides of being a parent such as poopy diapers, being puked on and the temper tantrums but I know that I would never trade any of it. My daughter is truly a tiny well not so tiny now but she is a blessing and I can't wait for the years to come and the discovers she will make as she grows into a beautiful adult. I am so proud to say that I am a mommy and so excited for my first Mommy's day but everyday is Mommy's day when you have a wonderful child to cherish.

Just a little babbling lol

So today was my "job interview" and I was stood up by the person who was suppose to interview me. Who does that? No wonder they can't fill the position the lady who does the interviews doesn't show up. So I wasted my husbands time making him watch our daughter for nothing drove the 45 minutes there, sat there and waited 45 minutes and drove the 45 minutes back soooo.... needless to say I was not very happy AT ALL!!! I have two other possibilities so its OK but still I wasted my husbands time and he had to take three hours off work for nothing. OK so that's all for my rant. Its good to know that that place was not the place for me. Good to get it weeded out before its to late and I start there and then lose the other two opportunities I have then be stuck without a job again... On the up side again I think that we are finally going to really work things out with my husbands parents. Again it cannot get any worse. I think that it is bothering my mom just a little bit but I don't know why it wont affect the time that I spend with her at all and it wont affect the time she gets to spend with Autumn either and they will still get to babysit Autumn. I just want things to get better because my husbands parents really don't know me or know anything about me! I am just really ready for this change we have been waiting a while its gotta get better its gotta. Hmmm other than that my poor bebe girl is teething again :( and she has been in horrible pain today making me kinda sad. I feel horrible for her! I cannot believe that she is going to be nine months old next Tuesday it seem unreal like where did that time go!!! I didn't realize how fast it was really passing but she's almost a year old. I honestly cannot remember what our lives were like BEFORE our daughter I don't want to either lol. Can't believe I am already going to have to think about planning her first birthday party!

Hmm...

So I am re-entering the work force for the first time in a year and almost a half. I am so excited and apprehensive at the same time. I applied for a job in Holdredge and even have an interview tomorrow. But tonight I got an interesting opportunity to work at the care home I worked at when I first started out as a CNA/MA. It would make our lives simpler if I work here but I don't know for sure that I can get the job. I do know pretty sure but not 100 percent but I would really like to work at this facility more. I don't know what to do I am torn. I have the opportunity in Holdredge but I want to take this one. If I can get the job first thing tomorrow morning at the facility I first worked at I will just call Holdredge and tell them I had another opportunity come up. Decisions, Decisions. On an up note Brett and I wrote letters to his parents about how we feel about whats going on and apparently we are all going to sit down and discuss it. Truly, it can only get better from here right it has to. We reached the ultimate low right it just has to get better. I am really feeling better now about getting a job. I am so excited to be getting a job and being around adults again. I cannot wait. Either way where ever it is the apprehension of the situation is fading and I am beginning to get excited about it. This will be good for our family, it will help eliminate our debt quicker, and move on with our lives. We will have alot less stress on us. Plus working at night what am I truly going to miss.... everyones sleeping although I may miss sleeping... lol oh well it will all fit in my schedule lol.

I am misunderstood, I don't get a chance. They never had any interest in knowing the real me, they never gave me the opportunity. I am a very reserved shy person. Putting my emotions on the Internet is a new thing. I don't like prying eyes. But sometimes pouring your emotions anywhere is better than allowing them to sit and simmer inside until you reach a boiling point and EXPLODE. So we are going to discuss this tomorrow are we, I already have seen this story and know how it goes. Your right were wrong, they have "teams" alliances we are the enemy that needs to be attacked. You have to meddle in our lives! You feel that you have the right to meddle in our lives. Our decisions aren't OK unless they were your decisions first! We are misunderstood adults that are treated like children. Apparently we don't know how to run our lives. Our beloved daughter shouldn't be in existence, why because YOU didn't say it was OK you didn't make the decisions. It wasn't about you?! Why is it that its always about you? Why are you to blind to see that effort is made? Money, money, money the pupil of your eyes is nothing more than dollar signs. Money comes and money goes but family is forever. You don't see it that way though, you've reached the top and your greed makes you want need and crave more, more, more. Your on to bigger and better things. I am just patiently sitting by waiting for you to peak and then crash and I will be sitting here laughing at you. It wasn't success it was failure. Then what do you have left? Who do you have left? Nothing, no one, and its no ones fault but your own. You pushed everyone away drove everyone out of your lives. Why can't it be just "us" why does everything turn into a three ring circus? Why is it always about you? So funny you say "we'll talk it out" "we will work it out". What you are going to rant and rave and we have to sit by and listen and you are just going to put a bigger wedge between us? Why do you think that I am such a horrible person? I don't understand why you think I am such a bad person? Oh why because I was poor I didn't come from wealth. We had to work for what we had. I had to have a job in high school? I didn't get hand outs. Get off your high horse you have no ideal how much I just want to knock you off it. I feel so uncomfortable around you. It shouldn't be like that. I should feel like family instead I feel like an outsider. Its miserable to be married to your son and have your granddaughter and still feel like I'm not a part of any of it because you didn't say it was "OK" for your son to decide to be in a relationship. Anyways, I hope tomorrow is the tomorrow we have been waiting for since yesterday. I truly hope that it is the end of the beginning and a new beginning until the end. But I doubt it because how dull will your life be then who will you have to talk crap about to your sisters and friends. It would just be to blah then.